Breaking Beliefs of Unworthiness

Oh my gosh you guys.  I actually did it!  I can't believe I did it!  I locked the door to the bathroom while I am taking a bath!  I can't help but wonder if this is how excited my husband gets every single night when he takes shower or bath?  Why is it that men have such an easier time drawing boundaries around their self care?  Why do I feel like I just preformed the ultimate form of mom rebellion by locking the door when my husband doesn't think twice about this exact behavior?  

Years of conditioning created the guilt that I feel when I tend to my wants and needs when I finally spend the time, money, and space on myself.  Where does this guilt come from? I know I wasn't born with these feelings, thoughts and beliefs.  

This guilt comes from the messages all around us.  From family, friends, society, social media, news, teachers....and the list can go on.  Have you ever stopped to question these faulty beliefs?  Many of us don't.  We don't challenge them because either we are not aware of them, or we just think that is the way it is supposed to be because that is how our mother did, and our grandmother, and great grandmother, and so on and so forth.  

In my family, the women slaved over dinner and always ate last, if at all because they claimed to be "picking at all the food while they cooked".   Us kids got whatever we needed and most of what we wanted, while our mother went without.  She put her schooling on the back burner.  She worked 3 jobs so we could have amazing family vacations.  She was tired almost all the time, burning the candle at both ends.  She was forever angry and resentful towards our father for not putting in enough time, effort, and money into the family, like she so willingly did.  I offer so much gratitude for the sacrifices of my mother, and it creates a deep sense of sadness for her life long suffering.  

I now want to tell you a story...

There was this little girl that was such a free spirit.  She was loud and creative.  She used her imagination in everything she did...from fort building to exploring abandoned houses and sewer systems-yes, you heard that right, sewer system exploration.  She dressed like a boy and loved to play outdoors with her two best guy friends.  In 3rd grade, she was made fun of by some of the other kids in her Catholic school for "looking like a boy".  In 4th grade she began failing Math, which was absolutely unacceptable to her grandmother, who, in not such a nice way, let her know.  In 5th grade, her grandmother began taking her to weight watchers because she thought this little girl was overweight and it would 'help her lose weight'.  Also in 5th grade, her uncles, whom she adored, would tell her how ugly and stupid she was on the reg.  In 6th grade, when she went to a new school, she was made fun of because of the way she dressed, and to top it off, the girls didn't like her because she easily made friends with boys.  When applying to colleges, her father told her that she shouldn't get her hopes up about getting into her top pick University because she "wasn't smart enough". 

If you haven't already guessed, this little girl is me.  Those are just some of the experiences that shaped my view of myself, and more alarmingly, my personal worth.  

Now, fast forward and let's look at the ways these experiences show up as we grow into wonderfully high functioning adults.  

As an adult, I became a 'high achiever'. I worked hard for my 3.7 in grad school.  I went above and beyond in any job I worked in hopes to receive the external validation that "I was enough".  It would take me a very, very long time to actually speak my true thoughts that weren't meticulously chosen as to avoid anyone becoming angry or upset with me.  And as I climbed the corporate ladder, I worked even harder.  There was about a two year stretch that I worked 6-7 days per week and getting anywhere from 3-6 hours of sleep per night.  I would come home to do the dishes and sometimes cook dinner (if I was home in time), and do the laundry, and take the kids to fun activities during my 'free time' on the weekends. I put my children before my needs.  I put my staff before my needs.  I put my clients before my needs.  I took pride in how hard I worked and how giving I was.  I wore my martyrdom like a badge of honor, just like all of the other women in my family.  

As I sat across from my therapist, I remember thinking "The generational patterns are strong in this one (referring to myself)", while we dove deep into my own generational patterns that crept into my life, and not in a positive way.  I was working 3 jobs.  I was tired all of the time.  I worked to give my kids all they needed and most of what they wanted. We took awesome family vacations. I was angry and resentful towards my husband.  Sound familiar?!  Not only was I reliving my mother's life, I was teaching my daughter that this was the norm.  At that moment, I thought to myself "something has got to give".  

That was one of the beginnings of my journey into breaking the beliefs and patterns of unworthiness.  I kept showing up for therapy and taking super honest inventories of my thoughts and beliefs that were creating the emotional suffering I was experiencing.  I had deep rooted beliefs that I was inherently broken and unworthy.  Unworthy of what you may ask?  Unworthy of anything...love, acceptance, happiness, joy, abundance, a healthy relationship, a balanced life, to live out my dreams.  You name it, I was not worthy of having it.  One by one, we looked at these beliefs that I held so tightly to, and we challenged them.  We challenged the shit out of them.  We began deconstructing my worthiness wounds that sounded very much like this in my head: 

• "It is so selfish to spend time with my friends when I work so much.  I should be spending it with my family"
• "I shouldn't buy that purse I've been wanting for months because I need to spend it on the oboe classes my daughter wants"
• "I am such an ungrateful brat for not being happy with all I have"
• "I should have been there to take the kids trick or treating"
• "Following my dreams and starting my own business is reckless.  Who will be the breadwinner? What about health insurance?  I can't just leave my 6 figure job.  I should just stay and be grateful for what I have"
• "If I speak up in this room of powerful men, I will look stupid"
• "I was such a b**** for being direct with my staff about expectations"

I don't know if you can relate to any of those, but that is what my head sounded like daily.  Through a lot of soul searching, thought challenges, courageous actions (such as the one I took today), little by little, I was able to find my voice.  I was able to find my truth.  I was able to speak my truth and continue to do that every day.  

My worth is no longer given to the outside world to determine.  My worth is anchored into who I am at my core and for all of my unique spiritual gifts.  Nobody can take that away from me unless I willingly hand it over to them.  

So I sit here, at 1pm on a Sunday afternoon, soaking in a bubble bath, with the door locked, writing this blog (don't judge...I do my best thinking in the bath!) while the busyness of my husband and kids is stirring in the other rooms.  Actually, while I was finishing this writing up, my husband knocked on the door asking if I was taking a bath.  When he tried to open the door, I had the slightest smile that arose on my face as I thought "Yep.  I did that. No more unlocked doors while this girl is taking time for herself!".  

Although it took me 13 years to finally lock the door, I finally got here.  I know my worth.   I release the guilt that once followed my self care and self love.  I release it because it no longer serves me.  I release it because it no longer serves my family.  I release it because I want to my daughter to know her worth.  

So I now challenge you.  I challenge you to step into your personal power and worth.  I challenge you to lock the door.  I challenge you to say yes to yourself.  Join this beautiful rebellion with me!

Sending light and love, LJ

 PS.  To learn more about this transformation process, check out the Next Level Life Purpose Program!