The 5 Downfalls of Being a Selfless Woman

Somewhere along the line, we were taught that selflessness is the ultimate show of love...especially as women.   You see it all of the time.  As women, we were taught to prioritize our family over our own wants and needs.  We prioritize ourself last in almost any situation.  We sacrifice our calling to climb the corporate ladder because we want a family.  Or we sacrifice our family in order to have a thriving career.  We make sure every member of our family is taken care of with both their needs and wants, especially our children.  How often do we want to join a yoga membership, wellness program, coaching program, or retreat, then hold back because we "can't afford it".  Yet we make sure all of our kids are signed up in all the extracurricular activities they want, and have nice cloths and toys regardless of the expense because we will find a way to make it work.   

I want to take a moment here to identify the difference between selflessness and being of service to others.  I believe service work is an integral part of our higher self and purpose on this physical Earth.  In this understanding, we are sharing our spiritual gifts with others, for the betterment of the world.  I value servant leadership.  I value empathy.  I value kindness and compassion to all.  In service work, we are giving without the expectation of reciprocity.  If your choice to be of service is costing you more than you can afford-financial, emotional, physical, spiritual-you need to make an new choice. Service work does not come at the cost of your own health and wellbeing.

 "Selfless" simply means "considering the well-being of others before your own."  Not only are we taught selflessness is an attribute to be admired and to strive for, we were taught that if we ever do put ourself first, we are selfish and inconsiderate person/wife/mother/daughter/sister/friend.  This message has been hard-wired into us through generations.  It has been passed down for centuries through family and society. It is commonly viewed as immoral to be selfish. Children who refuse to share their toy with others are scolded.  If an adult is has a reputation for being selfish, she would be shunned by those around her for failing to show empathy towards her fellow woman/man.

Now let's talk about the downfalls of being selfless:

1. Neglect: There is a tendency to put your own needs and wants on the back burner.  There are several forms of neglect.  Some common examples of self neglect include: not pursing an activity, workshop, program that you know you would enjoy and would lead to personal and/or professional growth, settling for an unfulfilling job, unhealthy eating, not speaking up for yourself, settling for too little joy or fun in your life.  If you keep going at this rate, you are going to run out of fuel.  You will find yourself consistently unfulfilled and frustrated throughout life.  
2. Burnout: Selfless women often give indiscriminately, without regard for their own limited resources or time. They can easily become overloaded with requests and are at greater risk of both “generosity burnout” and become less effective in all areas of their life.
3. Resentment: This occurs when we do not check our reasons for giving.  When we are giving with the expectation of others treating us with the same regard, or for acknowledgement, we get burned out.  What is more common in resentments, is that we are giving because we feel obligated due to limiting beliefs that were passed down from our family-"I have to do this because it is what my mom/significant other/boss expects from me". Helping acts in which we are not fully invested are the acts that create resentment.
4. Codependency: This term is defined as excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner.  In a codependent role, you don't know how to separate your emotions from the other individual.  If they are happy, you are happy.  If they are unhappy, you are unhappy and you are trying to fix the world and yourself in hopes that your person is happy once again.  This can happen with an individual, like your partner or children, and this can happen with the world (where you literally carry the pain and suffering of the world within you).  This is exhausting and highly unhealthy.  You can get lost in the relationship.  You can get lost in the pain of the world. 
5. People Pleaser: When we people please, we have a tendency to not speak up for our own values and beliefs.  We are so focused on creating a space where everyone gets along and avoid any perceived conflict.  You might be a people pleaser if: you feel responsible for how others feel; you can't say no to unwanted requests; you apologize often; you feel uncomfortable if someone is mad at you to the point where it occupies a lot of mental space.  

How to Break Free From Unhealthy Selflessness

While it is important to be thoughtful of others and live with compassion and empathy, doing this in excess will lead to frustration and feeling unfulfilled. You'll never reach your greatest potential if you're trying to be all things to all people and placing yourself last in every aspect of your life.

Start getting out of unhealthy selflessness habit by saying no to something small. Express your opinion about something simple. Enroll in that program for self growth and exploration that you have been yearning to enroll in.   Each step you take will help you gain more confidence in your ability be yourself and help you take the steps to fill your soul so you can continue to fill others through acts of service.