Sacrifices-Healing Family Patterns
"I have no need for the past...I did not consider that the past might have a need for me"~Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close
This picture is the perfect depiction of my mother. Come rain or shine, joy or anguish, physically ill or emotionally scarred, my mother has always been there for me. In this picture, she wanted so badly for all of her kids, as well as her first and only grandchild that the time, to have an amazing time at Universal Studios. We were determined to have a time to remember, despite the downpour, which we did. We all watched as my daughter, Maya, was amazed on the rides and we indulged in her every request. It was a great day filled with family and laughter and a whole lot of love.
As I reflect on my childhood, this is what I remember about my mom: She was hardworking. She loved to laugh. She loved music. She loved to plan trips and we took amazing annual camping trips that lasted10 full days-traveling all over the United States. She loved to travel. She cried a lot-both out of happiness and sadness. She was emotionally driven. She yelled a lot. She loved a lot. She endured a lot. She sacrificed a lot. Every single thought and behavior was centered around her children. She adored each and every one of us. Her love for her children runs deeper than the oceans.
I didn't always view my mother in this way. We definitely had our differences. I, very much, gave her a run for her money. I rebelled. I yelled. I was confused and angry and she often received the brunt of my emotions. Sometimes I was silly when she was mad (exhibit A-the picture for this blog) and she didn't necessarily enjoy this aspect of my personality at times. I was a moody teenager with lots of conflicting emotions that I didn't know how to process. I was distant. I was disrespectful. I was loving. I was thoughtful. I was completely unaware of the sacrifices of my mother.
As time went on, and we both grew, we were able to share more of ourselves with each other. I learned about her childhood, which was...rough...to say the least. She grew up with a very judgmental mother, and an alcoholic father. As I grew up, I was able to get a glimpse into the childhood she endured, as I spent much of my time at my grandparents while my mother worked 3 jobs to provide for all of us kids. It was a very confusing place to be, as my grandmother would always provide for me, and was very thoughtful of me, and her expectations were quite high in return. I remember the first "B" I brought home...it was definitely a moment I will never forget, and not in a good way. Let's just say, my mother was much softer on me than my grandmother. And as far as my grandfather goes...I only knew that I could expect him to not be the kindest, and that he had varying levels of anger. When my mother became pregnant with me, she was asked to leave the house-in not that kindly of a matter. We grew up Roman Catholic and they did not look very kindly on pregnancy out of wedlock or abortion. So that left my mom a decision to make. I am grateful my mom chose to keep me, so I am able to share this story, among so many other reasons.
So, why am I telling you this story? Her story is the reason I am the person I am today, whom I quite like. Over the past few years, I have done a lot of internal healing. As I mentioned, I didn't always view my mother's sacrifices with compassion or understanding. For many years, I was angry and resentful at all of the ways I believed she hurt me and all of the choices she made that seemed to hurt me. When I was younger she chose to not tell me about my biological father. She allowed me to believe that PJ was my biological father. It wasn't until I was 13 years old, on my birthday, that I happened to find out on my own. I was so angry. For so long. I felt so confused and betrayed. Through my healing, I have been able to understand the sacrifice she made for me. She wanted so badly for me to know that I was fully accepted and loved by the man who had been part of my life since I was two years of age. All I knew until the age of 13 was that I was loved by my father, PJ. I am now able to thank her for this. The weight in my heart has lifted. I am mare able to freely accept and give love without conditions because of this recognition.
So, the reason my heart is telling me to speak this experience into the Universe, is so others may be able to heal from past hurts and resentments. The resentments we carry impact so many dimensions of ourselves. It blocks our heart without awareness. Sadly we don't even know the full capacity of love because we have closed off our heart so long ago. When we are able to connect with the trials and tribulations of our parents and caregivers, and even further back into our ancestry, we are able to heal generations of hurt, and stop generational patterns.
If you are wondering if you struggle with past hurts from parents or caregivers, see if you have ever engaged in the following inner vows:
1. No one will ever treat me like that again or I will never let anyone hurt me like that again.
2. I will never force my kids to go to church or force them into a religion.
3. I will never treat my kids like that.
4. I will never treat my spouse/significant other like that.
5. I will never say those words to my children/spouse/significant other.
If these statement resonate with you, it's worth an internal look to notice any resentments that may be closing off your heart without your awareness. You may be asking why you might want to open up these 'old wounds'. Typically...well, always...these wounds impact your current relationships...with everyone. So, if you want to enhance your relationships, you might want to start this healing process.
Here are some steps to get you started in this process:
1. Increase awareness. Meditation and mindfulness assist with this process. When we offer an inward reflection, without judgment, we are able to be emotionally honest about the anger and resentments we hold. While increasing awareness, some old hurts may come up that you may have thought you worked through (totally happened to me!). In this step, we are simply allowing them to come to awareness. We are not judging them. We are not justifying them. We are simply aware of them.
2. Get curious. Now that we are aware of these hurts, get curious about them. Where did they come from? Why are they still there? What are they protecting you from? This curiosity, just like awareness, comes without judgment of self or others.
3. Connect with your Inner child. Now that you have recognized what these resentments are protecting you from, see if you can connect with the age that you first felt these emotions. See if you are able to view yourself at that age and connect with that child. Feel what they felt. Hear what they heard. Think what they thought.
4. Connect with your Loving Wise Adult. The Loving Wise Adult is the higher part of you that has made healthy, wise decisions in your life.ā€‹ As you are on your healing path, a key component of being able to stay aligned with your Authentic Self is the development and strengthening of your Loving Wise Adult. A way to connect with your Loving Wise Adult, you may want to identify those moments in your life where you felt completely seen, understood, and loved in your life. If you do not have those moments, you can tap into this part by identifying those role models you have today and recognizing those things you admire about them. If you are a parent, think about how you want to treat and speak to your child(ren).
5. Comfort and soothe. Once you have engaged your Loving Wise Adult, you can use this part of you to approach your inner child. See what that part of you is needing in that moment. Do they need to know how much they are loved? Do they need to hear that they are worth all of the love and care possible? Do they need to know that their worth is not based on external validation? Simply allow your inner child to let their Loving Wise Adult know what they need in that moment.
6. Open up your Heart Chakra. Imagine the love from your Loving Wise Adult flowing to your Inner Child, and love flowing back to you. Imagine this love flowing back and forth, opening up your heart further and further until you are completely filled with unconditional love. Know, and feel, the love that fills and surrounds you. Know that you are fully loved for all of your gifts that you bring into this world, without conditions.
7. Cultivate Compassion. This can be a tricky one because you may not be ready for this one. You may have to practice 1-6 many times over before engaging in this step. This is where you call upon that person that caused the resentment and hurt. You turn to them to see if they need to hear the message that your Loving Wise Adult has to offer your Inner Child. This is an imperative part of the generational healing. When we are able to see another individual who caused us harm, in a loving and compassionate manner, recognizing that they too are hurting, we bring our healing to the next level. We begin healing those generational hurts, and create generational healing, which breaks generational patterns.
So, in just those 7 easy steps, you are cured!
Just kidding! It is an amazing start though! It is important to engage in these steps as many times as needed. I remember the first time I engaged in this, my person outright rejected my compassion (mind you, this was all in the meditation, not actual person to person). As I have progressed, they have now embraced the message, and I feel complete freedom from the hurt that was caused, allowing me to be understanding and compassionate to this person, as they are still a part of my life.
If you are interested there is a free short meditation on my website on opening up the heart chakra. Check it out!
Always sending much love and light, LJ