One of the Most Difficult Words for a Woman to Say

HELP!  This four letter word happens to be one of the most difficult words to say for a woman.  Countless numbers of women I connect with express a feeling of exhaustion because they are "trying to do it all".  I am also one of these women.  With guidance and support, I have been able to work towards overcoming this struggle, and it is a constant work in progress.  

Have you ever sat back at the end of the day and wondered "why am I so tense and exhausted when it just felt like any other day?".  I, more recently, had one of these days.  As I was talking with my husband over FaceTime, as he travels most of the month for work, I was expressing my frustration over my feeling of overwhelm.  I wasn't able to understand what was so overwhelming for me, as I am truly living out my Life Purpose and my dream of building my own Coaching business filled with amazing women, all while working remotely from home to be with the kids.  As I was reflecting on my day with my husband, he was able to point out the obvious...I am building a business and working part time at the local college, while helping my kids with virtual learning, while he is working away from home for weeks at a time, during a pandemic that leaves me more physically isolated (I am an extravert, so I gain most of my energy from the interaction with others).  As I allowed that realization to settle in, I was able to notice the all too familiar pattern I had slipped back into, which is taking all tasks on by myself without asking for any help from my community or delegating tasks to my very competent children.  UGH!  I thought I had worked through this already! 

So, what makes it so difficult for women to ask for help?  Another four letter word...fear.

Don't get me wrong, fear is helpful.  If people didn’t feel fear, they wouldn’t be able to protect themselves from actual threats. Fear is a vital response to physical and emotional danger that has been pivotal throughout human evolution, but especially in ancient times when men and women regularly faced life-or-death situations.  As we have progressed, the fear response has stayed with us, but the stakes are usually lower (aside from the pandemic that is), with a fear of public speaking and heights being at the top of the list.  These fears will not actually kill you, and many individuals still develop extreme fight-flight-or-freeze responses to these scenarios.  

Before we dive into the fears that hold us back, let us first explore the benefits of being able to ask for help:

• Increased connection.  We are social beings.  More studies show that we survive and thrive through our interdependence-a mutual reliance on each other.  Countless historical leaders have preached on the importance of interdependence.  For instance, Albert Einstein states "Life does not make any sense without interdependence.  We need each other, and the sooner we learn that, the better for all of us".   You can also read quotes from spiritual leaders such as Mahatma Ghandi, Thich Nhat Hanh, Martin Luther King Jr., and the Dalai Lama. It is natural to depend on each other.  Every morning when I drink my coffee, I depend on the earth to grow the coffee beans, the sunshine to help the growth, the farmers to plant the seeds, the farm workers to pick the beans, the factory to ground and package the coffee, the pilot and trucker to to transport the coffee, and the supermarket or coffee shop to buy the coffee, the workers in the store, and so on and so forth.  We.  Need.  Each.  Other.  And that is the way it is supposed to be.  So why not carry that into our daily lives in a different way through asking for help and the mutual connection and respect of the giving and receiving of help?
• Increased courage.  When we are fearful of asking for help and do it anyways, it cultivates courage.  We are stretching ourself past our comfort zone.  Each time we challenge our fears, it is a gift to ourself and others. We allow ourself the compassion to know we are not supposed to be able to do all things, and we allow others the opportunity to see our vulnerability, so they are offered the opportunity to become vulnerable as well.  
• Increased confidence.  Confidence is created when we take daily courageous actions against our fears.  The more we ask for help, the more resilient we become and the more confidence we gain. When we ask for help and the reply is the dreaded "no", this experience offers us the opportunity to both know we actually did not keel over and die from asking, and it gives us the opportunity to problem solve.  When the reply is "yes" to a request, the experience creates a feeling of connection and happiness.  So, either way, it's a win/win if you are able to look at it in this way.  

What fears hold us back from asking for help?

• Shame.  According to Brené Brown, a researcher at the University of Houston, shame is an “intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.”   It's an emotion that affects all of us and profoundly shapes the way we interact in the world.  We have a belief that that needing help proves that we are deficient in some way.  Intertwined in this fear is the concept of imposter syndrome, where is a psychological pattern in which an individual doubts their skills, talents or accomplishments and has a persistent internalized fear of being exposed as a "fraud".  So many women I have spoken with, and again, myself included, have allowed this pattern to hold them back from taking professional risks, and also holds them back from asking for help due to the fear of feeling professionally incompetent.
• Loss of control. This is the fear that if you don't manage to control the outcome of future events, something terrible will happen. People who are chronic sufferers from such losing-control anxiety, keep themselves continuously in a heightened state of stress with only brief, unsatisfying intermissions between fears. This is a demand for certainty of the future.  This fear breeds perfectionism, which we all know is unrealistic and only leads to a constant state of worry.  
• Rejection. Fear of rejection is being afraid of unacceptance by the people around you. It could be you are scared of people not accepting your appearance, behaviors, the way you speak, or even your presence. This fear could negatively affect various facets of our lives, including career, relationships, and self-confidence.  The causes of fear of rejection can range from such things as having a physical condition that  the person believes makes them unattractive to others, being rejected as a child, or having been abandoned or unloved.  

If asking for help is still somewhat paralyzing after reading the causes and benefits, here are some baby steps towards embracing and challenging these fears: 

• Confront your angst. This is about accepting responsibility—not for the future, but for the choices you freely make about the future. What is in your power? You have the power to say, "I won't fear the future." You have the power to say, "I won't resign myself to living a life of fear." You always have the power to say, "No more!" to such a life.
• Recognize that it is healthy and smart to ask for help. It is important to remember that it is not weak to ask for help. In fact, it shows that you are strong enough to voice your own needs. You won’t be able to do much good for others if you don’t ask for the help you need. It’s also smart to ask for help. If you don’t, you might find your situation worsening instead of getting better.
• Start small.  You might want to start with something that doesn't elicit an overwhelming and paralyzing fear, which is highly subjective.  For me, it was asking my husband to go out of his way on his way home to pick something up at the grocery store.  Or asking my neighbor to grab our mail while we were gone for a week.  Making these 'less scary' steps will give you the confidence to begin asking for help surrounding things that may be more difficult. 

This is just the beginning of breaking the generational, and societal, patterns that have been keeping us from asking for help for generations!  

So what are you willing to ask for help with today?!

Sending much love and light, LJ