Forgiveness is a sneaky bastard. You think you have emotionally, mentally, and spiritually worked through all the anger and resentments you have been holding for decades and then WHAM…another layer of healing and releasing smack you across the face with a 2x4.
I am sitting here writing this with eyes still tearing up and now a pain in my lower back that just won’t quit. It also feels like a boulder has been placed on my back out of nowhere…WTF. At least I am aware enough that more releasing needs to happen…obviously!
So, let me take you a couple of weeks back when I chose to attend one of the Money Mindset sessions my Business Coach was holding. I have been through these sessions before, so I was hesitant to attend another one, but something was telling me it was really important to be there. The session was great, as always. During that session, she had us write a list of people we needed to forgive and include ourselves on that list. Now, I know this assignment all too well. It’s one I have been giving to my clients for 15+ years. I logically know that resentments weigh us down. One of my favorite quotes about resentments goes a little something like “Resentment is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die”, which I am sure many of you have also heard before. I taught on this subject. I have led hundreds of individuals, if not thousands, through this process of acceptance and forgiveness. And here I am, all sorts of emotions I thought I had dealt with welled up inside me as I completed this exercise.
First on my list to forgive was my Dad. I thought I had worked through these emotions since I have had 4 years of healing behind me. I fully acknowledge that he was the catalyst that had me start and follow through with my business and return to Buffalo to be with family after a 20-year absence. I acknowledge that he instilled my love of art and dreaming.
I also acknowledge that I still, after 4 years, had so much anger towards him for dying. I never felt I could express this part of myself to anyone, especially my family. My father died because of an infection that spread from his tooth (that he pulled on his own) down his spine and back up into his brain. A f*cking tooth. Because he didn’t trust, or see the benefit of, going to a freaking Dentist…you know, someone who is highly trained in taking care of our teeth. There are such intense feelings of anger and sadness as I am moving through this forgiveness.
I am mad that he isn’t here to watch my kids grow up. I am mad that he isn’t here to help us with renovations of our house (short back story-my husband and Dad were VERY close…my husband refers to him as the dad he never had), and they bonded over building and fixing things. One of the last things my husband remembers bonding over was the deck he built on our last house…that deck was beautiful). I am mad that I don’t get to laugh with him anymore. I am mad that he left my mom to pick up the pieces of our broken family. I am mad that he doesn’t get to see my nieces and nephews grow up. I am mad that he doesn’t get to travel and see the world with my mom. I am just mad.
I forgive him for all of this because…
I know he is still with me and that he is with me in his most beautiful and authentic form as my guardian angel.
I know he was suffering…in more ways than his tooth and the infection.
I know he was the reason I chose to start my business and leave the Corporate world.
I know I will always have the memories.
I know he is my protector.
I know he is my kids’ protector.
I see him everywhere now.
I know this was his journey, and this was his time to leave.
I know he is always guiding me.
I know he is at peace.
I know he is with his parents and brothers, probably singing, as they play guitar and piano.
I know he will always be remembered and loved.
I know I will see him again.
I know this resentment is too heavy to carry, and I will never be able to reach my Highest Vision and Version of myself while holding onto it.
I know I deserve better.
I know my family deserves better.
In the midst of my tears, anger, and the boulder of emotion that forgiveness has placed upon my back, I've come to realize that forgiveness is indeed a profound journey. It's a journey that demands courage, vulnerability, and a willingness to confront the darkest corners of our hearts.
Through the process of forgiving my father, I've uncovered a truth that extends far beyond my own story. I've learned forgiveness is not just about letting go of the pain and anger that weigh us down; it's about embracing the profound power of love, acceptance, and healing.
As I release the heavy burden of resentment, I also release the chains that have bound my spirit for far too long. I'm reminded that forgiveness is not an act of weakness but a testament to the strength of the human spirit. It's about choosing liberation over bondage, love over anger, and understanding over judgment.
In forgiving my father, I've discovered that forgiveness is a gift we give ourselves. It's a path to freedom and inner peace, a journey towards becoming the best version of ourselves. It's a reminder that we all carry wounds and imperfections, and we acknowledge our shared humanity in forgiving others.
So, as I sit here with tears in my eyes and a newfound lightness in my heart, I invite you to embark on your own journey of forgiveness. Look deep within, acknowledge the pain, and embrace the power of acceptance. For in the unexpected emotions of forgiveness, you may find the profound healing and transformation your soul has long longed for.
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